daft story to pass the time

"Another day tolerating insignificant adventurers hopelessly searching for treasure and experience... This is no job for a gentleman!" The Orc strolled out of the teleport chamber into the Monster Room and sighed as he sat down. He looked around the tavern and saw a few familiar faces. It was good to be back with the gang... He'd already died four times today. Once in Undermountain, once in Krynn, and twice at a Live Action event in Derby. His head stung with the echoes of hammer blows. "Cup of tea, please," he called out.

Chrysanthia, the lovely dryad wench was chatting with Bob, the Archdemon (Asmodeus to his enemies). They were chuckling about something and sitting rather close together. Bob always had a reputation for being a bit of a flirt. However, Chrysanthia looked up and smiled. "Of course, Ralph, I'll get on it right away!" She rose into the air and floated over to the kitchen. Bob looked at her naked behind and hummed in appreciation.

Ralph the Orc (Gentleman, don't you know, graduated top of the Monster Acadamy 1998) sat back in his chair and put his feet up. The Monster Room was the safe haven for all monsters and NPCs while they were off duty. Everyone came here at some point, either to joke about the latest adventurer's fumble or to recite how many party members were caught in the latest trap designs.

"Herro, Ralph!" someone spoke. Ralph looked up and saw a dear old friend. Vladamir the Beserker, an evil overlord and conquerer by trade, had been forced to perform petty goblin duties because he drank far too much at the last New Year party and smashed up the tavern. He looked really humbled in his goblin suit. Still, no adventuring party had figured out that many of the goblins that had been easily dispatched were really Vlad in disguise.

"Vlad, my old pal! How the devil are you?!" asked Ralph.
"I am good! Today is the last day of my goblin punishment! Tonight, I feast on PC blood!" Vladimir replied.
"Finally some payback time, eh?"
"Yes, my friend. Already I am planning the downfall of my nemesis. That despicable Paladin BrightArse will meet a truly vicious end!" Vlad slapped his muscled chest, which looked seriously out-of-place under his goblin suit.
"A proper death? The Dungeon Master has allowed it?" Ralph queried, intently curious whether the all-powerful would let a player die.
Vlad stammered for a moment, "Well, er, maybe not as much of an end as I would have hoped."
"No?" said Ralph, "That's a shame. So what can you do?"
Vlad took a breath before answering - "The Dungeon Master decreed that I can only slay his Warhorse, steal his Holy Sword, melt his full plate armour, have my way with his wife, deflower his daughter, turn his son against him, grafitti his holy symbol, then eat his goldfish."

Ralph and Vlad looked at each other for a moment.

"Not much really," sighed Ralph.
"Nah," answered Vlad.
"Still, it's a start. You could have been given just his goldfish."

Just then, a disembodied voice urgently spoke, "Attention! All available class one monsters prepare for multiple attacks on PC camps!"
"No rest for wicked, eh?" said Ralph. "I Guess that's you and me, Vlad."

Ralph and Vlad stood up. Chrysanthia wished them luck from across the tavern. They walked towards the teleport booth. After stepping inside, the magic began to reshape their bodies to the appropriate form for the encounter.
"Forty hitpoints, doing quads?" joked Ralph. The voice from the machine rapidly reeled off the monster brief. They would be thieves designed to relieve the party of treasure by appearing to have superior numbers.
"We're gonna get slaughtered, " moaned Vlad.
"Cheer up old boy, we could be goblins!" laughed Ralph.

The portal opened before them, and they ran into the forest to entertain party members everywhere....