• Martini Knockout Relay: Teams compete to mix a dry martini, without the aid of a butler. Points are deducted for any more than the merest suggestion of Vermouth.
  
• Umbrella Hockey: Teams of six use their brollies to propel a bowler hat to certain doom.
  
• The Pipe Smokers' Relay: A lit pipe is passed between four teams of three along a gruelling 400-yard course.
  
• The Three-Trousered Limbo: Pairs of contestants sharing enormous trousers must wriggle under a steadily lowered pole. Underwear must NOT also be shared.
  
• Necktie Kwon Do: Contestants armed only with the finest silk neckwear attempt to garrotte each other. This is not a duel to the death, but a first burst bloodvessel duel.
  
• Curling: Teams of three must propel a perouke with curling tongs to the finishing post, grooming the grass to speed it along.
  
• The Hendrick's Steeplechase: Ladies are the jockeys of the best-dressed nags in the country, and the hurdles are forbidding, ranging from tins of lager to hoodie mannequins.
  
• Hop, Skip and G&T: Contestants must leap into the abyss holding a Hendrick's gin and tonic. Points are deducted for spillages and flying ice cubes.
  
• Bounders: Six cads approach six ladies and behave atrociously. The winner is the recipient of the loudest slap, with a runner-up prize for the wryest smile.
  
• Freestyle Dash: Entrants must bring their OWN VEHICLES, which may be anything from a pogo stick to a bath chair. Any number of passengers is permitted. Only motorised vehicles and living animals are prohibited.
  

Every spectator will receive two complimentary gin and tonics, courtesy of our sponsors, Hendrick's Gin
 
The event is free but tickets are required, available from Messrs. Ticket, Web & Co.
 
To find out more and to register as a competitor, please send a missive to olympics@thechap.net

Ascendancy LRP: Redvers Fenn-Cooper

Crimson Requiem: Crew

Real Life: Doug McKerracher

Quis custodiet ipsos custard?